Coping with advanced cancer

Whether you’ve just been newly diagnosed or are living with advanced cancer, there will probably be new challenges to deal with, and you may want to explore different ways to help you cope.

Learn more about:

• Managing uncertainty
• Loss and grief
• Being realistic
• Looking for meaning
• Staying hopeful
• Celebrating your life

Managing uncertainty

Having advanced cancer means not knowing what lies ahead. This can be hard to adjust to – especially if you’re someone who is used to being in control. Some people say they avoid thinking about what the future may hold by keeping busy or distracting themselves from their thoughts. For others, it’s about learning to live with not knowing. There is no right or wrong way to manage this uncertainty.

Living with uncertainty is the hardest thing. All our friends think ‘We might do this, we might do that in a few years’ and we don’t have that any more. At first that was a huge loss, and we’ve sort of come to terms with that a little bit now, and now we just think very short-term and we don’t plan very far ahead at all.

Susan

Loss and grief

A diagnosis of advanced cancer often involves a series of losses – from the loss of good health and changing relationships, to the change of your future plans or a loss of independence. You will probably need time to grieve for these and any other losses.

Different people deal with loss in different ways. It’s not as simple as going through stages or just having a good cry. It is a process, and the intensity of your feelings can vary. Some people describe different “waves” of grief, from mild to overwhelming. You may experience grief gradually and also at different times – maybe at diagnosis, if you start to feel unwell, or if treatment stops working.

A social worker or counsellor can give you strategies to manage grief and loss. The palliative care team can also provide grief support or refer you to someone who can help. For some people an advanced cancer diagnosis can raise spiritual questions. If this is the case for you, it might help to talk to your religious or spiritual care practitioner.

Being realistic

People with cancer are often told to “stay positive”. And while having hope is important, the reality is that cancer is often frightening and serious. Pressure to “put on a brave face” or be optimistic all the time can drain your energy and stop you saying how you really feel.

Not feeling positive can be a very normal part of having cancer, so try to be realistic about what is happening to you. It can help to talk to someone about how you’re coping and any fears or sadness you have. Being honest with others can help you get support or help if needed.

Sometimes you can tell a counsellor or psychologist worries or thoughts that you might not want to share with family or friends.

A GP can usually refer you to a psychologist for a number of free or subsidised sessions. Ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist or find your own at Find a Psychologist. You can also call Cancer Council on 13 11 20 for help finding someone to talk to.

You may be able to access counselling through your cancer treatment centre. Carers can call the Carer Gateway Counselling Service on 1800 422 737 for sessions through their local Carers Association.

Looking for meaning

Everyone has different ideas of what gives life meaning. For some people, it might be found in religion or family; for others, it could be found in nature or art. It’s common for people diagnosed with advanced cancer to re-evaluate what life means for them.

A diagnosis of advanced cancer does not always stop people from trying to achieve long-held goals, but they may start to focus on what is most important to them. Some people want to live life at a slower pace, others may feel an urgency to make the most of every day.

You may want to discuss meaning in your life with someone close to you, whether that’s a spiritual care practitioner, or a professional counsellor or psychologist. If you’d prefer not to talk to anyone, you could write in a journal, meditate or pray.

Staying hopeful

It can be hard to feel hopeful when you’ve been told you have advanced cancer. What you hope for may also change with time. You may look forward to good days with understanding people or the love of family and friends. Or you may find yourself hoping you will maintain your sense of independence or stay symptom-free.

Some people try activities they’ve never tried before and find hope in this new side of their life. Others find hope in small projects, such as completing a scrapbook or planning a trip with their family.

While the cancer and its treatment can limit activities, some people discover new strength in themselves, and this gives them hope. You may find that connecting with other people in a similar situation may also be helpful.

Faith or spiritual beliefs can provide comfort to some people in tough times. Those who find hope in these beliefs describe feelings of optimism that are hard to explain to others. Cancer can also test people’s beliefs. You may find it helpful to talk to a spiritual care practitioner, counsellor or psychologist about spiritual support.

If I think of myself as a person who is dying of cancer, then what lies ahead is a hopeless end. If I think of myself as a person who is living with cancer, then my daily life is an endless hope.

Roberta

Celebrating your life

Having advanced cancer is often a chance for people to reflect on their life and all that they have done, and to think about their legacy. You could talk with family and friends about the special times you have shared together.

You might like to share some of your belongings with family and friends as a permanent reminder. You could also write letters or stories of your life, record special memories, make a short film or video featuring you with your friends, review or arrange photo albums, document your family’s history or family tree, make a playlist of favourite songs, gather treasured recipes into a cookbook, or create artwork or music.

→ READ MORE: The people in your life