When you’re trying to support someone, you may want to avoid:
Giving unrealistic assurances
Even though you might mean to be reassuring, saying “don’t worry” or “stay positive” can seem dismissive of how the person is feeling. It may also be unrealistic – of course they may worry and so might you. It’s normal to feel concerned about the situation.
Offering advice
The person with cancer needs to make their own decisions based on the advice of their medical team. If you’d like to share your opinion with the person, or offer suggestions, ask if it would be helpful first.
Sharing lots of stories
You may know other friends or family members who have also had cancer, but this person may want to focus on their own health. Every person’s situation is different, even if they have the same cancer, so comparing stories may not be helpful.
Making observations
It’s not helpful to say, “you’ve lost weight” or “you don’t look very sick”. Comments about looks may upset or worry the person. Or they may not feel as well as they look.
Pushing particular beliefs
All people have the right to their own beliefs and values, both religious and non-religious. The person with cancer also has the right to make their own decisions about their treatment and their life.
Asking probing questions
Depending on your relationship, the person may not want to tell you about something personal (e.g. their prognosis). Let them show you how much they want to talk about the diagnosis and treatment. Respect their right to keep things to themselves.
Breaching confidentiality
Respect the person’s privacy and ask their permission before telling anyone about their health or treatment. They may tell you things that they don’t want others to know. Or they may not tell everyone everything.
Drawing comparisons
The person with cancer may be given more flexibility than usual with their responsibilities at work or home because of their illness. Don’t compare their situation to yours. They’re usually just getting help to make life as manageable as possible.
Treating them differently
Treat the person with cancer the way you have always treated them. Look them in the eye and talk in a normal voice.
I get sick of people telling me to think positive or be happy. Some days I really don’t feel positive and I feel pressured to appear that way for everyone else.
John
Read our tips on what to say, and what not to say…
Podcast: How to Help Someone with Cancer
Listen to more of our podcast for people affected by cancer
