How young people react

Children and adolescents deal with the news that a family member has cancer in different ways. How they express their feelings will depend on their age and maturity, their coping style, their relationship with the family member, and their understanding of cancer.

When any close family member has cancer, the child may feel sadness and concern for them but also react to the change in family dynamics and grieve the loss of parental attention. This can be over seemingly simple things, such as the parent not going to watch them play sport or attending school events. Younger children may feel that they are to blame for their family member getting cancer. Older students may also worry about whether the cancer runs in their family.

School involvement and support

A child or adolescent may not be able or willing to talk about how they feel, but might express these feelings through their behaviour. They may misbehave in the classroom, mirror their family member’s symptoms or side effects, or be distracted, sad, angry or withdrawn. Changes at home may make it difficult for the young person to keep up with their schoolwork and other commitments such as sports training or music tuition. For example, they may have to go straight to the hospital after school or they may have to take on extra household responsibilities.

Because children spend so much time at school, parents usually choose to tell select members of the school community about the diagnosis. This allows school staff to create a positive school environment for the student and keep an eye out for changes in behaviour. A liaison person such as a year adviser or student wellbeing coordinator can help establish trust and confidentiality with the parents and student.

If you are aware that a student’s family member is ill, try to maintain the school routine. Just like a young person with cancer, the student may view school as a safe, comfortable place. They may enjoy feeling normal, or even take pleasure in receiving attention from teachers or classmates.

Some young people ask their parents not to tell the school about the family member’s cancer. They might not want their classmates or teachers to perceive them differently.

Understanding potential challenges and milestones

Keep in mind that some children whose family member has cancer seem able to cope, but there may be times when it gets too much. Key milestones in their family member’s testing or treatment can be especially difficult and may lead to anxiety or changes in behaviour. Even when the active treatment has finished, there may still be blood tests every three or six months and the student may continue to feel distress about the possibility of the cancer coming back.

For more information on how people react to cancer, see Communicating with people of all ages.

You know the ‘look’ you get when people feel sorry for you – when I’m at school, I just want to think about school stuff and my friends, not cancer.

– Josh, secondary student whose parent has cancer

→ READ MORE: Respecting a family’s privacy

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